I finished it now, but I still hate it. It’s boring as hell.

I don’t even know what to write here. Let’s start with a list of synonyms for “boring”.

drudging
dull
ho hum
humdrum
insipid
lifeless
monotonous
routine
spiritless
stale
tedious
tiresome
tiring
unexciting
uninteresting

Using high-powered arcane magic that man was never meant to dabble in, Koei took this accursed list and summoned it to life in the form of a video game. They named it Neo Angelique Special and proceeded to sell it to unsuspecting innocents for $70 a pop.

Feast your eyes on the earthly embodiment of boredom!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hmm? You want me to get serious? I’m deadly serious, I assure you. Okay, okay. *sigh* I played it. I’ll talk about it. Sheesh…

First of all, Koei has this series of otome games called Angelique. I’ve only played the first two games, but the basic premise is that you’re given a continent/universe to develop. You have to do this while competing against a rival and simultaneously trying to raise the affections of several bishie Guardians. It’s much better than it sounds, but even the best formula gets stale after a while.

After  number of permutations, spin-offs and remakes, Koei decided to reboot the series. I’d like to say it’s the thought that counts, but in this case the thought should have lived and died as a thought, because the reality is cold and cruel. In fact, I’m going to go out on a very sturdy limb and claim this: Koei was making a new otome game, realized it sucked donkey balls and slapped the Angelique label on it so donkey-ball-suckers would buy it.

My proof? The game has NOTHING in common with the other Angelique games. There’s a story element where Ange has special powers and is supposed to become the Queen of the World, but that could be any game at all. The world-building element is missing. The guardians are reduced to glorified escorts. There’s no rival. There’s a primitive battle system that’s an insult to any serious gamer. The game is easy beyond imagination.

The real Angelique games have goals to meet and regular reviews. They have daily, weekly and monthly structures, but how exactly to achieve things is entirely up to you. Neo Angelique has no proper structure. Story progression happens when you stumble across the next flag without meaning to. Sometimes you go to the salon and nothing happens. Next time you to go the salon, bam, the story moves on. Your life consists of fulfilling monotonous quests in the hope that you will somehow trip across the next story element. Does that sound like a recipe for fun or does that sound like donkey balls? If you say both, you need help.

This review is all over the place, isn’t it? That’s just like the game. Let’s try and get some order in here. First, the story. There are these bad creatures called Thanatos that make people very unhappy. Luckily a girl named Ange (that’s you) and four bishies have the power to purify these baddies, so they hang out in a fancy mansion drinking tea and having dinner parties (no, seriously) and helping people out once in a while. Eventually you find out there’s this Erebus guy that’s causing all the trouble, so you get in a flying ship and go beat him up. Then you can either become Queen of the World or go back to having tea parties. Decisions, decisions.

Up next, gameplay. Talk to your guardians until they like you. Not much different from the standard Angelique games, except now you have to “unlock” conversation topics by visiting certain places or taking certain missions. Get enough of the right topics and you win the conversation bingo (no seriously, the topics are laid out like a bingo card) and your relationship progresses to the next level. Presumably if you do this enough you’ll get the guy at the end. Pssh, as if I’d want any guy that could be won in a bingo game. Occasionally you’ll have dinner parties and chat the guys up all together. Not as much fun as it sounds. Not any fun at all, in fact.

Urge to keep writing, fading fast… Not like there’s anything left to note. You chat with guys non-stop, you wander around the planet in the hopes of triggering the next event, eventually you trigger it, story continues. There’s also a very rustic, primitive battle system, the kind they put in games for people who’ve never played RPGs before (see Arabians Lost for another example) It’s a bit like Chrono Cross with all the color attacks, and just like Chrono Cross it’s almost impossible to lose a battle unless you try really hard. That’s the last boss there. He makes even Yu Yevon look tough.

So, long story short, Neo Angelique was a massive waste of time. The bishies weren’t that bishie, the story wasn’t very interesting, story progression was lul randum, the battle system was a joke, the music was okay, the background art was GORGEOUS, gotta give credit where credit is due, and while it wasn’t short, it didn’t take that long to finish. No way in hell am I ever playing this again, nor can I recommend it to anyone. Find an artbook (seriously, the background art is really nice) and call it a day.