Finished. 132 hours and 39 seconds. The ending was cheesier than a mountain of rotten cheddar. I mean, “The Power of Friendship” in this day and age? The last boss was the last boss because he was secretly lonely and just wanted friends? Seriously?

Wow. Well, I’ve already written more than enough on my impressions of Xenoblade Chronicles, but to summarize:

Characters: I used to like the characters. Used to, until they spent the last few hours spitting out Grade-A bullshit like “Destiny!” “Friendship!” “We’ll make our own way!” “I’m not alone!” How unhygienic.

The only one I’ll miss now that the game is over is Kallian. It’s his own fault he got killed, though. I mean, the half-brother of a main character in a JRPG who isn’t evil and doesn’t secretly want to bang his little sister? He was dead before the game even started. If he’d spent the game lusting after her like a ‘normal’ character he’d still be alive. Heck, Falcom might even give him his own trilogy plus cameos!

The other characters don’t have any lives outside of Shulk and the Monado. Even the Heart-to-Heart chats they have are 75% about Shulk and who he’s going to hook up with in the end. Speaking of which, all the romances in this game felt odd and forced. I have no idea what Shulk sees in Fiora or vice-versa (is this the power of the Japanese childhood friend?!!), Sharla and Reyn just don’t go together and Melia and Shulk? Dead in the water, even as far as the player is concerned. Just a waste of time really.

Sound: The music was great for the most part. Some forgettable background themes here and there (Valak, Galahad, did Agniratha even have music? also I skipped the ending song ‘cos I was bored), but great in general. The English voice acting was also very good, except for when they’d have all these weird pauses in the middle of lines. “We have… to defeat you… in order… tocontrolourowndestiny!!!” Unfortunately the slightly-spotty quality of the acting just made the crappiness of the dialogue even more noticeable.

Graphics: Meh. I still think they have funny noses. Some areas looked amazing, especially the Fallen Arm and Gaur Plains. Other places were horribly bland and samey-wamey, especially Mechonis Field, Central Factory and Agniratha.

Gameplay: Good. I liked being able to warp from place to place. I would have preferred it if running speed was faster and didn’t require the use of gems to improve. I didn’t like having 8000 different kinds of gems and armor and weapons and other equips, all mostly useless. Dress-up was fun and sad at the same time. For one thing I could never get Sharla to stop looking like a 2-dollar whore no matter what I dressed her in.

I did love having 2000 different sidequests though. I try to deny it, but I actually LOVE sidequests. I live for sidequests. I don’t mind entire games composed of sidequests! As long as they’re interesting. I left quite a number undone because I got bored after a while, but it was a good run while it lasted.

Battle System: It’s missing something, I don’t know what. Maybe it’s missing surprises or something, because it all felt the same after I got the hang of it. The only bit of strategy can be found in tackling stronger monsters, but I don’t play turn-based RPGs for the strategy so no problem there. I got the “Beat 100 uniques” achievement and reached level 86 before I gave up and just finished the game. It’s just as well though, ‘cos the last boss was only level 82 or so. His level reads “???” but I know a pussy when I see one. It goes “meow.”

Story: Cheesy-ass story. I’m going to spoil it for the sake of anyone who’s wondering what Xenoblade is all about but doesn’t want to spend 70-100 hours on it. Frankly I don’t blame you at all.

Zanza: The big bad. The soul of the Bionis. He’s bad because he wants to absorb all life on the Bionis. Before that, he was a researcher named Klaus on a space station in “our” universe. One day he pressed the wrong switch and created another universe, in which he is a god. Only he was lonely, so he created “life in his own image” in a thinly-veiled shout-out to certain religions. Except instead of just admitting he’s lonely and seeking friends, he tries to kill people instead. That makes him a bad god. Zanza spends most of the game possessing Shulk in secret. Shulk and co. kill him in the end and make a world without gods. This is the story in a nutshell, but if you want to know more:

Meyneth: Zanza/Klaus’s fellow researcher on the space station. Became the soul of the Mechonis. Also made life on Mechonis because she was lonely. Made friends with that life, which makes her a good god. Spends most of the game possessing Fiora. Was killed by Zanza just to give the party one more reason for revenge.

The Monado: A sword that makes and unmakes worlds and can change the future. There are three Monados by the end of the game. They’re all Alvis, i.e. the computer program on the space station in “our” universe. Star Ocean 3 fans might be familiar with this kind of development. Or they would be, if they actually existed. When Shulk wishes for no gods after spending 30 minutes screeching about “destiny” and “friendship”, it supposedly disappears, but is actually just hiding somewhere waiting for the sequel. We’re wise to your tricks now, Monolith.

Shulk: Dead all along, but not really. I’ve played a number of RPGs where the hero is either dead or not human all along, and it’s never been treated as anything more than a minor inconvenience. Anyway, Zanza sucked out his soul and possessed his body for years, only not really. Eventually he gets his body back and nobody worries about the whole ‘dead’ thing any more. Dunno why they bothered, really.

The Telethia: *gasp* The Telethia were High Entia all along! When Zanza awakens, so do they! And that’s why most Alcamoth quests are timed. So now you know.

Fiora: Gets her body back in the end. I tuned out and read a magazine during the ending sequence, so I don’t know how it happened. Just string “destiny” and “friendship” and “make our own way” and “future” together in different combinations and you’ve got the ending dialogue right there.

And that’s it. Hero with friends wins. Baddie without friends loses. It’s your average JRPG plot dressed up all nice and fancy. Did I enjoy Xenoblade Chronicles? I did actually, apart from the story. But I’ve been saying that all along, so I have nothing to add now.

Moving on~~ I’m kind of sick of the Wii right now, but I won’t have access to it for much longer. As such it makes sense for me to start The Last Story soon. I’ll find something short, light and fluffy to occupy me for a couple of days, then get right on it.