Dream C Club Portable – Idiotic game

A game for idiots by idiots, starring an idiot as the main character. Dream C Club Portable makes you play an idiot who spends his weekdays either working or gambling and his weekends blowing wads of cash on idiotic girls who don’t even put out. Work, blow, work, blow, work, blow, game blows.

It would be one thing if the MC was a rich executive, but he works at a convenience store, making about ¥20,000 (~$260 USD) a week. Since all that money is at his disposal, I’m guessing he lives at home, sponging off mommy and daddy. And yet he’s not ashamed to go out every weekend and waste that money on overpriced drinks and inane conversations with brainless bimbos. What a disgrace to the human species.

Let’s see, $260 a week. All work and no play and all that, let’s give him $60 a week to play around with. That’s $200 a week left over. Excluding sick days and public holidays, let’s assume he works 50 weeks a year. If he saved that $200, he’d save $10,000 every year. In 10 years he’d have $100,000 in the bank. Now that’s hardly Bill Gates material, but how many 30-35 year olds do you know with $100,000 at their ready disposal? And that’s assuming he just tosses it in an account with no interest, makes no investments, buys no bonds, nothing. Not bad for a bumming mooch, yeah?

But nooo, instead he goes out every weekend to a hostess bar. A hostess bar that’s all about pretty girls ripping you off with $15 glasses of beer while chattering pointlessly away. There are 8 different girls in the game that you can have attend to you, and they’re all working in the bar for different reasons. You know, like how strippers always have some “reason” for stripping, they never go “‘Cos I’m a skanky ho”. Yeah baby, whatever you say. But I digress.

It’s not real money, so I wouldn’t be getting worked up if MC was squandering it on something fun. But Dream Club Portable isn’t even any good! As you can see from the chart on the left, the girls aren’t much to look at. Conversations with them consist of the MC macking on them with the cheesiest pickup lines ever while they struggle valiantly to conceal their utter disdain for him. I know exactly how they feel too.

Apart from chatting, you’re also forced to buy drinks for yourself and your chosen hostess, and the more you can get her to drink, the greater her affection for you grows. The game even measures your capacity for alcohol. Now at 35 you’ll be broke and have a wonky liver. Wonderful.

So anyway, you work all week, then at the weekend you go to the hostess bar, chat with a girl, waste money on drinks, maybe get her to sing you a song on karaoke, then you leave. Repeat the cycle the next week. And again the next week. And again the next week. And again and again and again for one whole in-game year. It would be quite the formidable feat if DCP managed to keep the chat topics fresh and new from beginning to end, but since I quit after one month, I will never know.

Apparently you can learn more about a girl and help her work through her troubles. For example one of the floozies claims she’s training to be a pro bowler (yeah right), so you’ll probably support her till she fulfills her dream. So there’s a story mode of sorts, but the MC is a pervert and a loser, and the girls can’t be that bright if hostessing is the only way they can pay their bills, so I’m giving it a miss anyway. Next please!

Persona (2) – Finished

I beat Pandora. As far as SMT/spin-off bosses go, she was by far the easiest I’ve ever faced. The only reason she killed me the first time was because I didn’t know the fight was coming up, so I didn’t have enough Balms of Life and most of my personae were weak to magic. All I had to do was regroup, buy about 50 BoLs and Beads and give Armaiti to Maki so she could have Mediarahan. Everything after that was a mere formality.

Aside: Speaking of buying Beads, I had about ¥3 million at the end of the game. I’ve always wondered what game characters do with their massive piles of cash once it’s all over. Let’s see, that’s about $35,000 USD… If they split it equally that’s about $7,000 each. Pfft, puny. I should’ve wasted a few more demons and bought me a nice condo or two before finishing the game.

But I digress. So I beat Pandora in a long but relatively simple battle and restored Mikage-cho to normal. We gave her the usual “Loners are losers” speech and and she was like “Oh. Okay.” Then Maki kissed me on the cheek and some old guy turned into butterflies. *roll credits*

Yeah, that was a totally…uh…great ending. W-wait, why is my nose growing? Stop that! …I kid, I kid. It was a fairly straightforward, easily understood and well wrapped-up story. That’s rare for an Atlus game. At the end the only question I had was, “How the heck did this ever get a sequel?”

You know, when people ask me which game in a series to play, I almost always advice them to start with the very first one and work their way up. I formed this theory after beating the Breath of Fire II  before I and doing the same with Shining Force I and II. In both cases I was able to finish the original, but I know I would have enjoyed and appreciated both games more if I’d done them the other way round.

Going later-to-earlier is so much harder, because while earlier games may have their own charm, they are usually far less polished and thus much harder to enjoy for fans of the later installments. For example I urge people to play Persona 3 before 4 (even though I honestly think P3 >>>> P4 and I liked it that your party wouldn’t always do what you wanted) simply because the interface and the gameplay are seriously improved.

So, looong story short, I’m not going to ascribe any of my lack of enjoyment to Persona itself. Heck, to be honest I did enjoy much of the game. Uhh, the, uhh, music…was too poppy and annoying. In fact I had the music turned off 90% of the time, so that can’t have been it. The graphics…were okay. The CG bits were nice. The characters were memorable, in their own way. I thought the MC this time was particularly colorless, but he was the first so it’s understandable. The story? As near as I can gather, the message was: “Be true to yourself,” and “If you turn your city into a monster-filled hell, you’ll turn into a penis-monster and your friends will come and kick your butt.” Words to live by.

Holy typo, Atlus!

But seriously, I know I enjoyed something, I just can’t remember what right now. It must have been the dungeon crawling, since that’s what 90% of the game consisted of. I like dungeon crawling, especially if the maps are fixed and just need exploring, i.e. not random. It was easy to go down the wrong path, but hard to get permanently lost, and apart from one puzzle and a few switches to pull, Persona‘s dungeon crawling was largely pain-free.

What’s more, I almost never had to do the same dungeon twice. I hate backtracking. It smacks of a lack of imagination on the developers’ part. Where it’s present, I prefer it to be largely optional. So I’m grateful that apart from the Lost Forest and the subway, progress in Persona is all about the new. The game even records the paths you take, so you can withdraw, restock and then come back and proceed faster than ever. Bliss.

Battles were fairly good too. I think ALL games should have an auto-battle system, no exceptions. At the same time there was enough variety in the enemies that you couldn’t blindly select Auto for every single fight. You have to use your Personas as much as possible so they rank up, and there’s EXP (determined by damage dealt) to consider, so it’s never a “Mash X to win” fest.

It’s not all good news, though. There were a number of clumsy and inconvenient elements as well. For one thing you could only stock 3 personae per party member, and you couldn’t switch personae between party members except in the Velvet Room. Recruiting most of the later demons without a FAQ or a very, very, very good memory is an exercise in futility. The five second pause before the game decides not to allow you to escape a battle was adding insult to (inevitable) injury. Weapon shops are few and far between, and most of the stuff they sell is crappy anyway. “Gather three compacts” to unlock the final dungeon door was dumb, but understandable for a 1996 game, etc etc.

As for why it took me a while to finish it after my last post, it’s because I was suffering from the Sunken Cost Fallacy. I thought I’d spent almost 200 hours on it, so I was all like, “OMG, I have to finish this thing, I can’t let all that time go to waste!” Once anon informed me that this wasn’t actually the case, finishing it took a massive backseat to all manner of other games. If I hadn’t already been in the final dungeon, it might never have gotten finished. But finished it is, and it was a decent experience, all things considered. Now I’m looking forward to the Persona 2 PSP English remake, which should be out next week on September 20th.

Tokimeki Memorial 4 – Rui GET!

“It’s not me, it’s you.”

Me to Tsugumi, after doing Rui’s route.

I couldn’t tell whether the game or the girl was to blame for my less-than-optimal experience doing Tsugumi’s route, so I decided to play Tokimeki Memorial 4 one more time to make sure. And since I’m such a good friend, what better victim test subject than Nanakawa Rui, the cross-dressing twin sister of my bro and best buddy Nanakawa Tadashi?

Actually Tadashi kind of ruined things a bit by being shockingly chill about the whole thing. I even got an event one Christmas where he picks me up and drives me over to their place so I can spend the night helping Rui finish a manga in time for Comiket. He even encourages me to sleep in her room, then wakes me up the following morning and fixes me breakfast! Breakfast, I tell you! I’m dating your sister, man! Why are you so happy about it? Don’t you care about your sister?! Don’t you care about…me?

Hmph. Leaving Mr. No-Fun-At-All out of it, Rui route was fine, but a bit low on content. The girl herself was fun to hang out with, if a bit exhausting. At least I can introduce her to my friends and family without worrying that she’ll be snooty to all of them (*cough*Tsugumi*cough*). Rui is loud and hyper, but also down-to-earth and honest about her own faults and interests.

She would be my favorite if I hadn’t raised Fumiko Yanagi’s affection all the way to Tokimeki level by accident. That’s right, I took her on a couple of dates, hung out with her during the school trip and took her to the shrine the second year all by accident. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Yanagi is so sweet! In-game, when your mood is at its lowest she’ll often show up and cheer you up considerably, but even as a player I always felt  much better after hanging out with her. She’s got easy-to-be-withability, if there’s such a term. When her affection got too high, I had to stand her up on a few dates to lower it, but even then she was unfailingly sweet. Like she was just worried about me, the poor sweetheart (btw don’t try this with Satsuki-sempai. She will be PISSED and she’s scary when pissed). If I had to pick one girl for the MC to marry in ten years, it would definitely be her.

Err, oops, anyway, this isn’t a post about Yanagi. It’s about the game-loving, cosplaying Rui, whose route had its funny moments. I’ve seen the Valentine’s scene on the right twice, but I laughed out loud both times. It’s also hilarious the way the girls in your school think you and Tadashi are in a relationship because of how close you are to Rui. And Tadashi seems to enjoy the misunderstanding, which is like, hmmm…

Some of her more otaku-oriented events reeked of “trying too hard” syndrome though. Rui works at a maid cafe, sings only anime songs at karaoke, draws doujinshi, loves going to the arcade, etc etc. A few incidents and its cool, after that it’s like “Okay, okay, she’s an otaku, I get it already!” Everything in moderation, Konami.

It’s not all bad news, of course. She’s fun to hang out with, she’s happy to show off her curves to you (oh, the possibilities!), and since she starts out at high friendship with the MC, even on the worst dates she’s usually pretty upbeat.

On the whole it was a fun route that restored my faith in Tokimeki Memorial 4 as a good game. You can’t win them all, but it’s comforting to know girls like Tsugumi are an aberration rather than the norm. Now for another break, after which I’ll do Yanagi (<3) and possibly Doyama-sempai.

Tokimeki Memorial 4 – Tsugumi GET!

I said I wasn’t going to start a new game, but strictly speaking Tokimeki Memorial 4 isn’t new, so it doesn’t count.

Since I had fun replaying Ranshima Monogatari, I thought I’d see if I could recapture the magic with TM4 as well. The experiment was a partial success. The game itself felt a little fresher and newer after a month away, but the girl I got? Not so good.

Tsugumi Godou is Maki’s neurotic, sarcastic best friend. I decided to go after her because she looks cute, no other reason. She’s also supposed to conform to the tsundere (i.e. bint that blows hot and cold) stereotype, but even though I dislike that kind of personality, I decided her looks made up for it.

Having dated and actually gotten her, I have to say she has a very high opinion of herself, but nothing to actually back that up. Yeah sure, she’s cute. She’s smart but not that smart, which is why it’s funny that she throws a mini hissy fit if you pass her in the exams. Miss, I was number 1 and you were number 50. We don’t really have anything to talk about.

I got a couple of her CGs. She…really doesn’t have a life outside studying, working in her dad’s cafe and crushing on Maki. That’s kinda sad. And since her life is so devoid of content, her route was devoid of content, and this post is devoid of content too. I really should have played something else…

Ranshima Monogatari – Rare Land Story (3)

This should have been a post about Neo Angelique Special, but that game was so slow and tedious that it drove me back into the loving arms of Ranshima Monogatari, where I finally paired Hiro with both Somarina AND Guana and married Chilia to Rui like she’d always wanted.

Be careful what you wish for, the saying goes. I wanted Somarina’s ending, I got it, and now I’m sorry I ever saved her from the clutches of that slimy duke. I really thought she’d stop being so rude and condescending as she got closer and closer to Hiro, but it was not to be. She may love him but she doesn’t have a shred of respect for him, and it shows. The ending states that she went on to become a master painter and a master chef while Hiro was reduced to the role of her lowly assistant who probably doesn’t even get laid for his trouble. The look on his face says it all.

Even the wedding ceremony was ominous. At all the other weddings in this game the other characters come up and give you cheerful words of congratulations. With Somarina, Hiro got “You don’t know what you’re doing, man” and “Oh no, you poor thing” responses instead. Even from Somarina’s own brother!

Come to think of it, I know someone in real life who had an experience like that. Nobody dared to come out and say that her fiance was a dirtbag, so it was more like: “Are you sure about this? I mean, really sure?” and “Maybe you should postpone the wedding…for like a million years?” Luckily for her, the marriage lasted. 7 whole months, that is.

At least Chilia and Rui got a happier ending. She’d been going on about how cool he was since they first met, so it was only fitting that they end up together. Unfortunately, since Rui spent most of the game either out of sight or on the lam their romance didn’t get much development. And he outright states that part of his reason for marrying her is because as a new king in a weak position he needs to marry someone popular to get the citizens on his side.

But still, there’s no denying they have some chemistry, and they’re both really into each other. I didn’t raise Chilia all those years just to have her scrubbing toilets or marrying deadbeats like Milo, so this is just perfect. And if she throws the occasional kickback or government contract my way, hey, I ain’t complaining.

Back to the Somarina-Hiro ending, though. There’s a lot of down time in Somarina’s route as well, so I was wooing Guana on the side. I had a save two years in that I was keeping for later, but I was so disgusted with the way Somarina treated my boy that I loaded it up immediately afterwards and got Guana instead.

Again, I can see the chemistry in this pairing in a way I couldn’t with Somarina-Hiro. Guana respects and loves Hiro and he loves her back. Sure she has some daddy issues, but what girl doesn’t? Without her helmet she’s probably the best-looking girl in the game so yay Hiro! The description of their wedding ceremony was very sweet, I even “awww’d” a little bit.

Their ending states that Guana continues her work for a while after they get married then gets injured and retires, whereupon she becomes a bit of a shrew it seems. Still, Hiro is still happy and he still loves her so it’s all good for me.

Having gotten three wedding endings for Hiro, though, I must complain about one thing: the weddings are too sudden! Chilia gets a proper proposal every time someone wants her hand in marriage, but with Hiro it’s like he’s getting closer and closer to the girl… then there’s a sudden time leap and bam, wedding ending! Where’s the proposal? The bended knee? The ring? How many carats? These things are important!

What’s also missing and even more important: BABIES! There’s no mention of kids in these three endings! Where are my babies?! Or did Hiro’s trusty gun run out of bullets? Now granted, there were enough babies in the last round to fuel half a dozen endings, but that’s not the point here. I’ve played enough Harvest Moon games to know the drill: you woo the girl, you get married and you have a baby! Not having babies is not an option. It is not negotiable!

*huff huff* Phew… Had a bit of a mother-in-law turn there. *deep breath* Okay. All better now. What’s weird is that I don’t like kids that much in real life, but when it comes to video games marriage and babies are inseparable. Marvelous Entertainment has a lot to answer for.

What’s next on the gaming front? My list of unfinished games grows by the day. I’m playing Will O’ Wisp and Wizman’s World for the DS, and Persona, Blue Roses and Neo Angelique Special for the PSP. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I just started Legend of Heroes: Trails in the Sky a few hours ago. If nothing else it’s more promising than the previous two LoH games, but both the story and the system so far are a little too “normal” for me, so it’s going back on the shelf for now.

I’ll try not to start anything else until I’ve finished at least one of the above games, but I can’t promise anything.